Collected Thoughts Of Mid February

To see him standing in that space,
The walls I built, the rocks I lifted,
To talk to someone, face to face,
The words of raging calm that drifted,
on a rolling breeze,
You begged of me,
you begged me please

But who am I to trust in him
And how am I to know
When meaning and his half-formed smile
Are shifting to and fro

The force of hands
around my waist
The curve of lips
on which I taste
Sugar and salt
in equal measure
A double dose –
we find no pleasure

I lie back and wait for him
Lie back here and wait for him to come
I press his palms flat against my collar bones

At night… I remember …
The way his chest rises and falls underneath my arm
That sudden feeling of a heart-racing calm
That catches in my throat when he turns towards me
I am stuck I am pinned I am so scared of all he

And so it continues
The night with all her emptiness
The star spun ceiling above us
The caresses, promised but never delivered

I couldn’t breathe, once in a while
Once in a while I could not breathe

Once the sun set before I even woke up
I opened my eyes to darkness
Like a small child, with curious eyelids peeling back
Nervous hands, a small touching frailty,
And no memories to ground me, to hold me in the black

Once the sun melted crisp frost beneath my feet
Or at least, I dreamt that it was so
One winter morning in July
You came to me and let me go

Drawn out words … he whispered them,
twisted them through my head
pulled my legs out from under me
and sent me up to bed

without dinner, with nothing to eat
I lay curled in a ball, my stomach the seat
of a desire for all that I could not own

A desire for all
I can never attain
The sustenance of a moment
Thrown across the room
The remaining fear that shadows
All I achieve
The laughter, stifled now,
For which we grieve

You leave,
For in the night,
I rolled over and took all the duvet from you

It’s incredible really
That we still care for one another
That I can still touch your skin without
leaving a cruel branded mark

You remark upon the weather
You squeeze my hand on the long train ride back home
And I don’t feel anything at all